thirteen

Thirteen

13.1

I want bertha to tell us who she is I want to hear it from her own voice I tell bertha about my father that he has been gone for almost half of my life now I tell bertha that we should live for today and not worry about the future Tommy smiles and says that the future can’t touch us it’s not necessary but it feels good bertha is wearing her movie star eyes her bettie davis eyes I have modified all of the board games so that bertha can play along I was trying to appeal to her trying to convince her that Tuesday was really Monday but she wasn’t buying it even though I gave it a good sell she is still erecting trivial boundaries between us bertha is pliable and bendable eight months after she flowers she expels her seeds in an explosion she was born and raised in Mystic Connecticut before she moved out west to find her fame in fortune in the entertainment business the hurt in her heart gives her a reason to live a reason to bitch about the cruel heartless world Tommy follows bertha to the theater like a little puppy he goes with her to flirt with all of the girls the witches are in the backroom scheming to defraud the government it is another scratch my back and I’ll scratch your back scenario a cold bottle of chardonnay sits on the table the ash of her cigarette is about to fall I watch with anticipation Tommy has taken a hit of acid he is calm right now we will see later the light is so bright there are old people on the ceiling tiles the camera is covered in jissom the little school girl is dancing and lifting up her dress it is an interpretive dance it has all to do with color it has to do with orange she says that she can’t use color the little school girl is swimming on dry land she thinks she killed someone I am telling her to be stable

13.2

I was praying hard and it was coming to me depicting the inner world of the psyche I am manifesting my mind this is the bottom or maybe this is the top yes it is definitely the top I can see it can you do you see with the eyes of the soul I am inspired by my insights are you inspired can you be inspired what inspires you do you know is it possible for me to inspire you what is possible is everything possible we know what hugo and harpo think but we don’t know what you think about the subject the little school girl says both everything is possible and everything is not possible the transformation of positive and negative spaces I am looking at a painting by Remedios Varo we are exploring the Orinoco we are trying to find nanuk of the north only he can help us find the path he is fraught with meaning as the chickens gather to discuss politics cluck cluck says one chicken tonight I will be a stew cluck cluck says another tonight I will be roasted nanuk of the north fought for france during world war one his early magic shows an interest in cubism he later became more involved with surrealism he wanted his magic to be automatic to flow freely from his veins he said life is formed around the chaos of shapes Nunuk of the north escaped the Nazis on a ship to the island of Martinique form there he just disappeared the next clue was the cover of Acephale he was standing in the land of the Tarahumara he was wearing a chieftain’s headdress and he had war paint on his face he was using the facial expression of Antonin Artaud we always called him the man of many faces giving birth to nine children all of them to the habit of sleepwalking and a talent for avant-garde theater nunuk of the north has been pushing the boundaries of what is considered acceptable the army advancing into battle it was art for the sake of art

13.3

the little school girl is promoting radical social reforms the mothers changed her ideals into the artist the scientist and the industrialist the little school girl was not interested in the industrialization of the world she was mapping the parameters triangulating the coordinates the mothers are eating all of the pretzels and they speak with their mouths full tonya and I went to the movie theater to see the film the seashell and the Clergyman half way through the movie someone shot Tristan I had to spend a month taking care of the bear while Tristan was in the hospital bears are nasty smelly animals I mean he was well-mannered and all but a bear is a bear he did chew on one of my painting by Balthus I was really pissed off and almost shot the bear over that the belief in Tim is a product of the middle ages the superstitions of the people continue today hugo is a product of the industrial revolution the little school girls is not buying the idea of one grand interpretation of society she prefers to think of reality of consisting of multiple realities and not just one she is beyond the revolution she is not storming the barricades the little school girls says that modernity has failed the modern world did not solve the problems associated with poverty people are still poor and in some respects more so than before there is an abundance but the abundance does not get distributed to everyone the little school girl says that the bright lights of progress are fading she is watching the lights go out one by one there is no one to replace them modern people look to the future for their lives to improve they have faith in the advancement of technology they believe a genius will arise to invent something that will save them the superstitions have been transferred from a god to a scientist the little school girl says that science no longer holds the answers we can see that the scientist are childish buffoons on the little screen we laugh as the genius chases his tail the little school girl says that there is no singular truth

13.4

Jane is pinching the little school girls nipple as jane is spread across the little school girl’s lap janes guitar is laying on the floor janes vagina is exposed and the little school girl is stroking the little school girl’s labia the little school girl is pulling on jane’s pigtail Dr. Loophole began administering eclectic shock treatments to tonya she had a clear psychotic break she rejected form and incited chaos I went to visit tonya at the hospital and she was in a good mood she read to me some poetry from Henri Michaux she was reading to me a poem about an oriental woman how this woman fell in love with two men and her love for both was tearing her apart she has wealth of forms a multiplicity of forms and it is driving her mad she was taught that a love should be a singular thing but she knows in her heart that love can be more complicated than that tonya knows that the mothers are out there that they are making their moves against her she knows that the mothers have made voodoo dolls of her and they are putting their pins into her she is coming on to bartenders and cabdrivers they are reading little abner tonya knows that the times are changing she is backing into her room she is all about appreciation she says the word over and over appreciation appreciation appreciation it is her mantra for the day she could never get the needle out of her arm she would charge us a lick and a promise just to watch she burns through it like a forest fire appreciation dunking pound cake with her Neolithic fingers she is tracing the ghosts with her fingers it is a dead frontier she is worshipping the old and the dead and the evil she is hiding a vulture under her Stetson she is screaming fuck you at passing cars she can smell it going in wetting her lips and more appreciation the invoking of Dr, Loophole his first thing was to shut down the texas concentration camps he threw that noxious son-of-a-bitch out on his ass he said that there is more than six inches out there tonya hollers amen tripping balls hugo is too fucking high he is laughing uncontrollably they fight you then you win the heartless again his blood feels like it is on fire checking his pulse he is sure that he is going to die here in the jungle thousands of miles from home he sings softly to the hallucinations it is hard to swallow we are watching his face watching him transform he is shape shifting it is time for hugo to see his light the war inside his body things hidden in the deep places of his mind every action has an effect

13.5

disturbed and humbling appreciation feeling the pain from the other side Mr. Crowley is jealous he wants what hugo has he wants to be a modern man separated from his superstitions he feels like a unicorn took him on a ride to a magical palace in the land of the blueberries and we float away Mr. Crowley asks who is in the house AC tell me who is in the house AC gave his bone to a virgin in the house you take him high and you take him low you take him with the Eskimos tell me who is in the house I’m just trying to tell you about the gospel his tooth is so pretty he is showing it to the world he just wants to run around the parking lot he doesn’t know what to do it is just too weird of an experience he is just in a wonderful land as light as a feather he wants to sing Mr. Crowley thinks he should sing he just wants some soup and to go to vegas he asks if he can buy a house he hates quiet people looking for a fire outside he wants to introduce us to the unicorns he has twelve of them he lives with them in an igloo

13.6

tonyas lips are cold they are like icebergs her tongue is a broom she is seeing double vision like a superhero the euphoria of the intestines a complete world a miniature city tonya is marked by the inverted the premonitions of the future that which is spent and exhausted following the imperial and the chaotic the soup cans exploded in the sun’s heat the Ishmael Reed she is going back to vegas she is taking pictures this time and winning enough money to buy a house the culture of advertising and hotels call the newsman for the footage she is a diamond in the rough the murder mystery and the science fiction no longer obeying the laws of the past the revolution destroys the old puts the masters to death I will find you and I will kill you consider yourself lucky if you are already dead the involvement of a buried or repressed theory I have freed myself from your words they no longer have a hold on me I have broken the spell a chronology of metamorphoses and punctuation marks let us discuss the words we use and their context sow the seed of a pretty context a grassy field in the summer with a gentle breeze but there is still this man lurking in the darkness hiding in the shower a mutation in the sphere of the archaic in rolls your tanks crushing the pretty flowers destroying the village a dominant cultural logic a hegemonic norm I am feeling all of your impulses it reworks it transforms it appropriates I am not here for the march of glory I am not your Frankenstein the people in the village are worn down to their skulls the work of art emerges between the gap of the real and unreal worlds they recreate about themselves an objective world that previously didn’t exist without the action of the creator without the stroke of the pen or the tapping of the keyboard it is action that produces meaning there is no meaning separate from action Tommy puts his fetishes up on the wall dead objects hanging together two hangmen hanging from a tree essence and appearance the raw vibrations of the human throat the pain itself now speaks it vibrates the landscape it vibrates the stars growing up inside a sealed and silent membrane the great dominant experiences do not exist Tommy refuses to believe in them he says that they don’t exist he has closed himself off and has become a monad he is buried alive and condemned to a life of solitude he can be surrounded by adoring women yet he is all alone there is only silence in his soul

13.7

Golgotha the dead hanging from his cross bertha touches tommy but he does not respond to the predictable swoops with gusto he cannibalizes all styles he is tormented by the loss of mystery the invisible colonization of the present tommy is not as free as he once was just as Zelda is still haunted by her past they both prefer to ignore the forces in their lives the forces that they are powerless to control tommy has stepped over the edge and if falling to his death he is not aware that he is falling he may have some inklings that he is falling but he keeps assuring himself that everything is ok he realizes that little by little he is losing his past but he has faith in his future he believes in the future with all of his heart it is his faith that caused him to fall just like all faiths it is faith that makes you stumble and fall I stretch I sneeze I cough but I do not believe I have pushed faith out of my heart I do not believe in anything zelda’s hips are getting wider meaning is not a one-to-one relationship a disturbing sense of unreality the children were having a singing lesson the children were prisoners compelled to sing that fool from texas was leading the choir they were singing goodnight Irene there is no limit to the vastness of things their qualities seems to surpass the boundaries that I once knew of them everything become more than I ever imagined I could not reel them in no matter how hard I tried they had moved beyond my reach and I was hopelessly alone I wanted to close in on this objects and make them mine through domination through the sheer force of my will I wanted to create the world in my image but my power to do so had escaped me random raw materials and impulses who is this creature that stands before us it is cloaked in darkness and has massive wings that stretch out to eternity thus meaning has been signified and expressed how you interpret such things is a condition of the self I can only influence your interpretation to a certain extent

13.8

tell me about your childhood was it happy or sad the gleam of hallucinatory splendor dead and flesh colored simulacra becoming a glossy skin a stereoscopic illusion the density of life are removed from me the images and words flood in but they have no context there is no place for a foothold Tommy can you hear me turns back on and against us in unrecognizable forms I have become a flesh eating virus and I eat the world speaking of the fourth machine age the baroque elaboration of pipes the last Vedas the great reflective glass skin drawing a pentagram for blue boy the city of Houston wants him to cut his grass the mothers are going door to door asking people to sign a petition they want to force the fool from texas to take a bath he claims he has constitutional rights I first tasted the dead in the backseat of zelda’s car I think that explains everything if you need to know more than there is no reason for us to continue communicating I would say talk but this is primarily a monologue a small portion of my readers to comment but I am so far ahead in the writing that by the time they see my response in the writing they have forgotten oh well I think that sums it up nicely even the blue hue scorpions agree tommy tells us stories of his climbing mountains in Arizona tommy pronounces it Ari zone EEE Yaaa tommy says that his father is a commander in the navy seals he plans on attending the London school of economic and political science just as soon as he is able to remove the bullet slug in his calf I told him to look up Dr. Loophole and he would pull that slug out of his leg with a rusty pocket knife and a pair of needle nose pliers the little school girl says that we are required to assess the metaphors that are used to describe reality she says that the standard rendition of truth is inadequate it does not properly explain the life that we live the little school girl says that the truth is immune to perception what we see is filtered through a dirty lens our minds treat reality as if it is incorruptible when corruption is the crux of our reality the mind and reality are intertwined truth does not exist without interpretation and it is the human mind that does the interpreting without humans truth no longer exists because truth is a human construction all knowledge is interpreted by the human presence the human mind is the medium for the interpretation of the truth thus reality has a human texture we add texture to the painting of life our interpretations of reality make life more meaningful regardless of the adequacies of our interpretations

13.9

if we consider something to be the truth then we act upon it as the truth and this truth either real or imagined has real consequences upon our existence this is the reason why the things we create turn against us and dominate us as if they are external to us we suspend knowledge of the source of their creation and pretend that they are greater than they are we cannot separate reality from subjectivity in our formalistic search for truth we ignore how people interpret themselves and the world therefore we lose sight of the fact that reality is an abstract construction you need to question your beliefs why do you believe the way you do tonya says that she is the master of her universe that she is not a victim of fate why is that is it because she was abused as a child by her father and she wants to believe that she is stronger now that she has a measure of control over her life that her life is not controlled by random chance can your world survive without truth can you survive without truth If I take you out of the cave will you be able to handle it does order require structure does the individual have to sacrifice their own desires for the demands of the structure human action creates structure thus human action creates order thought linked to action is what creates reality it is the actions of human beings that creates reality without humans reality would not exist meaning comes from language life is meaningful because we have language our words are meaning makers we use words to describe the world around us and what we perceive is not pure it is clouded by our experiences thus truth is encountered only through indirect means therefore creating doubt in the validity of our perceived truth reality is shaped by our language what people say about you influences the perceived reality that is you what you say about yourself also influences this perception this is the basis of the magical powers behind faith our speech creates reality bless your heart tonya says but she steal believes in the power of the individual to overcome she says that if we can create our reality than that is exactly what she does she creates her own reality she says truth comes from speech and not from reality truth comes from speech truth comes from speech what is the significance of this we are in the process of discovery truth cannot be forced upon others there is o one single truth there are multiple truths if there is no single truth than there is no structure to society multiple truths require multiple structures multiple realities the mind interprets experiences that are selectively perceived reality is perceived differently by each individual my reality is not your reality language does not reflect reality but is the connective tissue that thing which binds things together the glue that holds us together is language I am altering your reality my words on this page make you think or make you feel you are having some kind of reaction to my words either positive or negative you may be saying wow what truths or you maybe be saying wow what bullshit still the fact that you have read these words have changed your reality a seed has been planted in your mind you have been forever changed whether or not you chose to water the seed and let it grow and produce fruit is up to you

13.10

reality hides between the words that I have written here this is your reality enjoy it while you can the nature of reality will always be in question we will never run out of questions to ask there will always be more and more questions the more we learn the questions our new learning creates knowledge is filtered through human experience language is the filter the words that we use to describe or interpret human action or experience shapes our view and understanding of reality the rules of language impose a structure onto reality past thinking and language divided the world into a simple dichotomy of yes or no do you like this food yes or no do you like me as a person yes or no do you want to have sex with me yes or no thus we divide all of our experiences and actions into one of two camps there is day and night good and evil young and old tall and short ugly and beautiful the trouble is that life does not always fit easily into two categories I realize that this belief stuff can really get in the way between us it can turn into a wall that separates us from each other let us make a vow to not let little things come between us can we make that promise to each other can we agree to be human in all the good ways not in the ways that humans can be bad we both know that humans can be very cruel and mean to each other our history points a bloody finger at all of us a dog with a piece of meat drinking the juice of a cactus walking two miles to the post office my cheeks are a little cold it is a shitty day a crappy day I go to the post office walking against the wind her body is frozen we don’t allow duct tape she is drinking hot tea her insides are nicely trimmed practicing throwing little cylinders all the dishes for her apartment her pockets were bulging she took out a handful of ping pong balls she is doing too much acid she is seeing mermaids the little school doesn’t know what she is reporting doing what is truthful addicted to sunflower seeds she can’t stop eating them unintentionally being a dick not being from new jersey she like nickel back a screening of dogma super loud and obnoxious this kind of thing just happens with them feeling like an asshole

13.11

we can all read 500 miles stuck in my head driving to the next place it is not a bed beating the pixels we are indestructible backstage before the show I can see the people through the curtain they are standing in line to have me sign their books why do they want my signature I don’t know the snow won’t make us any money writing down the particulars on this thing where is my serial number there are so many things that I have forgotten like the name of my native companion the little school girl is on the video she is wearing a padded bra throwing me a going away party it’s a magic day the little school girl is making me sweet potato fries with a small mountain of artichoke dip I went into the garden and got some rosemary we did jesus Christ superstar I was watching the medicated on their stretchers talking like they knew the disaster a dinosaur in Africa donating to the traffic the mediated trauma I can’t negotiate this curve the egg divides and out crawls tonya she is a baby dinosaur she is playing a flute starts a fire with a shout it is a beautiful chaos the opening hundred pages of the book she was preoccupied with the ending she is winning a copy who is angus waters one notable recollection a countless stream a worst case scenario becoming a pet human making kissy faces to her boyfriend if you hate them all and you step on them will they go away or will they multiply I noticed that it was all little girls in your audience what will happen when they all grow up have thought about this giving style to voice what does that mean and that nothing is gratuitous does that mean you don’t tip