twenty

Twenty

20.1

An infection largely spread the problem with the operation miss palm repudiation of the theory divergence resuscitation and the philistine suggests the possibility conception repudiation intensification organic stages fragments and motifs 5 hours of sleep and my hand gripping the wheel white knuckles a metropolitan venue hanging the cheesecake erotica bare knuckles living in the same house born under a dark cloud we climb the stairs seven flights of redundancy I took you by the hand and led you through the various permutations quoting animal house the referent for all irreverent culture ball bearings gear shafts the beast the little school girl is reading Lolita as Larry in the white socks interprets a jar of supermarket cherries a worse drunk breasts pressed against my chest dirty streets that knew my name I closed my eyes I am waiting in my underwear an old film of romantic things two carters the bar stool remembers ten bucks cry or laugh buzz cut accusations hammers the bucket to the floor swiveling little girls motel faucet onslaught parking lot recession living a baker’s dozen painted smiles conga skin harder I remember smooth looks people the clutch the little hair under her poetic armpit her choice of hat ten minutes in shoulders defying gravity confessional and a few beers throwing another random image it still has battery not actual glasses car alarms siphons gas slam dance bewitched secret people an underground trip spinning vintage pussy we sold all her children to the creative fusion of psycho gymnastics I think she missed them on days when it rained a pain in her gut ill fated pistol prison she stood on her head and balanced a ball it was a meaningful experience short skirt bellicose Coltrane Harper’s ferry crossing over to the other side a burst of dead like fireworks we gutted the night flourish asylum screwing bone collapsed ragged drowning bursts she goes boom killing the night within me drunken this all disappears when you close your eyes that is how I have lost so many I grew tired and stopped concentrating on them muscling them whistling snatches dance floor shudder a coalition of addictions up on the roof talking to the aliens distant warnings to push and shove the unmaking of fascist aesthetics the slave and the oppressor taking turns with the whip the wheel of fortune noon on new year’s day falling backwards never gonna see you again bare legs long torso a naughty squeeze sucking me another flophouse gambler drugstore cowboy dusted and nervous stuck on my head life spins the same people congratulations right now cringing in a corner slipping eyes glowing coil I got drunk again hung-over in Paris distraught trinkets wasteland sanitarium face masks

20.2

Proclaimed the dead man these are unique artifacts transparent pop-campy retooled and recycled they are the ideal stasis of myth an utopian edge of critical enterprise negating earlier forms your zippo lighter shrill with transcendence a catastrophe deduced and decorated to the chaos of exploiting the fragmentary fabrication and to cry out loud and fully erupt in spite titled opposition codes of a datum regime conceived for dissolution of the symbol and the myth as foretold by schizophrenic heuristic fascist discursive paradigm subverted and entrenched derived from this modernism a distinct and opposed cubistic fetishized and fragmented reality good bye unbelievable lights I call about an eye exam a little bit cleaner I can’t deal with it any more one thousand times the old woman jumps on stage she is weaving her spell on the unsuspecting blank cake falling from their mouths watching the wild ones jump out of the windows all balls no brains fried chicken and cold beer no fucking point another pale cross-eyed god forsaken hurt like hell you kept it up kept going through the rough patch not going to church to fuck the preacher while everyone bowed their heads licking your cunt we hopped on the bus and rode to the next town to drink tequila and eat as much despair as we could swallow I am painting you in gold showing them the baby girl the fool’s kiss the dew on her wings my tornado the past we once knew and understood she got up to dance heroin to me death in words who is alive there I do not exist counting down I wanted it to be only about you but all the others snuck in while my back was turned a smile and a tear a one dimensional face on the wall dwarfed by big pages petticoat and bustle watching the spin she is thinking about the conversion tables as I peel off her umbrella and high heeled disposition she laid on the tell and said forge ahead brave sailor these pictures are all of me I told her she was pretty and then pulled her up the rope she waved as the passengers gawked in amazement an eleven year heart beats for Madison Wisconsin the place where you used to belong before all the camouflage and excuses tainted hands still harvest plummet swollen limbs a drunken dream Stanley Kubrick Lolita her hands tied above her head on her knees my pet girl hello kitty bling woodblock prints of her vulva hang on the wall four seasons counting your dragonflies fondling her with a jesus freak you are going to hell metal clanging against metal puking up the downers a basket full of catfish a fifth of whiskey and the dreams we mailed off to London this nice young man paid for our fuck film 700 dollars we could pay the rent and buy some cheap wine selling the sex on the internet he wanted to call you mommy playing with your toys we become blurry with Dionysian vertigo of the sacred and the profane your idea of transgression your desperate and relentless attack your language became an ordeal a trial by fire we wanted to see the devil that dwelled inside of you puffed up in your authoritarian pose the roots of the malaise the subject is dethroned and disempowered she laughs when you touch her she says you can’t touch her like I do I can sell you her instructions but they are written in invisible ink it has to do with superhuman self-assertion a basic anarchist trait what does it mean to kill god if he never existed you release the shocking effects of frightened mimesis you become uncomfortable searching for the safe word higher and lower elements a weapon at the moment you speak of a sphere behind private walls a universe that subsumes everything going back to archaic times

20.3

Unfathomable to be praying for the suspension of all order to turn the tables and upend reality to make the king a street sweeper and the fool a king a cult of ambiguity maybe we should value truth over a lie maybe we should choose life over death maybe we should live for love instead of hate why do we promote stupidity as an example of our brightest and most talented why do we put the worthless high upon a pedestal why do we worship mediocrity and the pursuit of wealth and riches why do we favor only that which rusts and turns to dust our new president a tv talk show host president pat straightjacket swings his hips and twirls his microphone vice president Wilma heartbone is collecting all the panties that get thrown up on stage we have a real star with charisma now maybe we can blow the fuck out of those communist bastards who preach peace and a sustainable universe god put us here to rape the earth and that is our manifest destiny god loves pollution we are here to destroy this earth it is god’s plan there is a tattoo on his back that says eat at joes generous to the point of pathology we are following his blog on blogger he has a plan to sell the country to the Chinese and convince the Japanese to make all of our appliances we need computers and robots we need remote control television we need blow up love dolls we need nicotine patches and levitra and anal suppositories the president has an unnaturally large head that is why we voted for him teetering on the brink we were waiting for him to fall over the surgeon general was on call just in case there needed to be a brain transplant moe curly and shemp were on standby ready to jump on airforce one and make the ultimate sacrifice for the country this was all going to be televised with million dollar commercials at every twenty minute break we want nightly redemption on our idiot box

20.4

Surrendering wine press dead one hundred pills destruction she danced captured her belly way twenty dollars waffle promise broken detour a lone stone wall town a part sidewalk rapture vacation troubled glass love bodies vein love minute strawberries cabbage patch dolls self awareness and change lying down couch one sided conversations stomach left ears right jigsaw dizzy spells body bag mouth opened sunflower anarchist legs richer than the beggar man’s eyes he wants coin for coffee I have proven your pussy against falsification dead and chewy real pork chops praying for the wetness between your legs rock bottom dance hall shapes heated bellies rage against the hate blue plate specials for everyone I hear you were living in North Dakota selling old ladies poetry and dirty pictures of you and an old horny Billy goat you did have talent impending death that disease you caught at the Minnesota zoo she wanted to give me a free car wash I told her I didn’t have a car she said it didn’t matter dripping matter from the ends of her fingers a beautiful embrace we discuss beauty and nature sculpting different hands I fucked you in every state and sent postcards to your husband sent him pictures of you going down on the maid collecting all the little bottles of shampoo I have a farmer’s tan on my left arm we robbed three banks and blew up a post office bleeding on the rug

20.5

Curls and strokes sweeps at snippets moss and metals plucking a presentable face no beauty but she crouched fine by me she said down on me punched out a dozen reluctant judges mouths full of twist and fate blazing thorns miserable scorn a death stench and defiant persecution of the earth colors romance and the glow conquers death if the truth be told waiting goodbye mean turn back home always a good cause selfish indulgences and blow humble depravity down the road believing in no one strive solid cry never the same just would be and having this feeling a macabre distain and the row house blocks of an omen bride she screams an introduction to the urgent message of past fingerprints blood shriveled in the endless sky surgical obvious loose lips dinosaur faces with egos branded full of firecrackers holiday drowning as she rode me hard over-valuing progress a self-detachment that is easily forgotten along with the comfortable superficiality of a legitimate attack on dominance and oppression blinds us with a rationality cult nuclear fought world ethos opponent ruthlessly exploited aggregated escape promised life future minds no newcomers each other’s hurts sooner haste opposing thoughts Trish is anyone else lifestyle fight typical scarce bother stay decide incident feels do not and cannot love each other wrong words out I have no reasons no tests for abilities mettle in the spoon selfless emotionless detached man there is no room for ideals to aspire and entail Beatriz wants ought curious chosen normal people call it love in the middle of nowhere finding your true self but getting lost to the world in the process a phone booth abandoned plane of existence it stopped working a long time ago some rusted relic of a simple past to point on the earth where you realize that you are lost a reflection in the broken glass pages torn from a long forgotten book were these your words mechanical lips Paige was killing time silver jets she started talking about her date the other night and boxing airport coffee milling depression in the swill flew out ahead of me a deep deep hole getting into the depth of it all Trish was fidgeting with a cigarette and Beatriz was nonplussed with her tragic loneliness a tongue slides up her thigh in order to reach the point from the very beginning

20.6

Living in incompatible worlds incomparable how can you exist and yet not exist at the same time a skeleton on a couch a living breathing soul warm to the touch and then a cloud of smoke I approach you and loose you at the same time I understand you and am confused at the same time you are captured and always at a loss to me your animals speak to me more than you they give me clues to your existence shattered and entangled by the common mistake in this world the animal s eat us they cover their furs with our skins another me sitting in a bar nursing a whiskey and watching two girls dance with each other to a hank Williams song not the one who had lost himself but the one who was lost again my self-discovery resulted from my inability to locate myself in this world Bianca disrobed and danced around me trying to bring back in we both had lost our place in the real world a shared futile life Bianca stretch out on the pool table the two dancing girls took turns kissing her dragged from one world to another it helped her connect with others first two fingers then three fingers then my whole hand strangling my shadow in an ocean of oblivion the waves crashing down my sense of self fleeting getting further and further away a love for personal prejudice comfortable and mindless bludgeoned and tantalized a sprawling grotesque seeking instability uncertainty is preferable seeing people broken into pieces the art of bones and internal organs to see inside people beyond the self-constructed walls they have built to keep the real out thus destruction to peer inside the hidden qualities that evil that binds us to one another I took out a razor blade and started to peel off Bianca’s skin everyone watched and no one tried to stop me I one point I asked the dancing girls to assist me and they did my white lab coat provided the disguise of authority that is necessary to perform truly atrocious acts of cruelty this is an artificial world they were play things she was a Barbie doll the evil was just play a charade a sacrifice for my invented god I broke open a beer bottle and stabbed her in the breast there were tears in the dancing girls’ eyes I wondered why this was tough love a hidden logic behind these desperate and bloody acts I took her to the river and washed her clean of all her sins Nast Jack said a prayer for her immortal soul the spilling of blood combined with the lost traces of self I didn’t know who I was anymore I was becoming more and more like Hugo sure I looked like him but now I was acting like him drinking our best gin hiding from bad people soggy coco puffs kicked and taunted by triangle pancakes a secret freak having to pee does she hold it not wanting to be scared I didn’t know you were funny the forbidden closet twists and stuff he could help that one hanging from our necks falling down really fast she wasn’t praying right wavy hair and chestnut eyes you don’t believe me is it safe to tap the keg practicing my lines waiting for the right moment to cut everything out from under me

20.7

My own personal demon sitting next to me drinking coffee watching all the pretty girls die before august leaping in front of trains it all seemed so absurd to me but my demon found it fascinating he was always drawing strange diagrams on the cheap crappy napkins at the coffee house when I asked him what he was doing he just said evoking driven to the brink a life flattened without meaning or substance you can make up any lie in your head to convince youself differently but deep down inside you know it is only a lie a cheap fabrication to pacify your mind you know that something is wrong but you haven’t got a clue you are not aware that the ending has already been written all you have to do is play your part just like you have so many times before you know your lines so well you say them in your sleep step up to the microphone and do your thing make it seem so real and lifelike when inside you are only dead the self can be called into question decentered split apart and rendered unknowable where we are in our present condition generating a world of images where meaning is cut loose from its surroundings causing us to question the self and the world we once knew cyborg politics jacked in we can see the Babylon the dark future predominates we built a hull of a civilization from the remnants of the colonial decomposing body combining hybrids mosaics and chimeras into an organized whole feeling the trap close around our private lives they are putting up camera on every street corner they are testing our dna for any sign of weakness looking for a biological reason to exclude some from the goods and resources of society they are building an ideology to justify their dominance over others they realize that their past justifications have become worn and obsolete so they are using science and technology to fashion a story that justifies their exclusion of others surplus labor will become the food for the elites the best of our society will feed upon the flesh of the poor they will raise the poor in pens that once kept animals these human animals will be sedated and seduced into ignoring the true reality of their existence their purpose will be to fulfill the gluttony of their masters

20.8

drop down destiny caving five maneuver tricks universal equal fish bowl functionality outside glass everyone else looks in and becomes squeamish partake of the wafer feed on the blood figure out the drop the percentages the sky is vehement raindrop perception saying it wrong always migrated smile broke down teeth they resonate deep within your bones climb up the city stairs and tell the fathers about the tall grasses someone's direction learning sustainability eyeball losers humanity is keeping score coherent cracks in the wall falling through their necks I promise Rorschach  full throttle rocket rolling hair and right shoulder fearful waves free ride clowns with cancer  sores bad evidence of your retribution and reactionary politics holding your dictionary in your hand we can see the evacuation history is bleeding like a cold night run away little school girl pain and decay with a huge helping of terror they obviously changed the rules in the middle of the game weaving in and out taking your pulse yes you are still alive

20.9

struck by the tide misplaced smoke trampled miss palm she protest with breakfast hues oyster tangled days glossy fingers and happy decent an omen swallows down ruined face rumors of tongue nameless and divergent you want the wind to bring you a new hope something new and brilliant just out of the packaging you assemble the pieces of this life and worry about the rent and the bills that always go unpaid you want to capture the brightness of heartbeats the center of human chaos hatching the flames of the unforgiving those who knew not how to tread lightly you have forgotten me I have escaped into another world another time one without you avenues of thought that you can't travel down your love never could tell the truth not even with a gun against its head I would ask you to be my friend but I am afraid that I have run out of reasons to share my soul with anyone else I have been bled too many times to really care any more I can see the diamonds in your eyes and the wind that blows your mind into the borrowed depths of another thirsty kiss standing here with you we slip into the dark blinded by your love toppled ribs far flung and needing shelter for your heart I spill through creation with flow and form I adore your world and cherish all of your ways it is he jagged folds that bring blotted tubes sick of choking sinner length and the dollars of spotlight platforms

20.10

I went to the kitchen and made coffee and toast newspaper’s trade friction across the table spread like Ellie Mae probing for the citizen’s fears it looked blank and empty larger than it should have it was as if the emptiness had expanded out of the newspaper and into my kitchen into my life like an unwanted visitor sitting next to me at my kitchen table eating my toast and drinking my coffee I tried to force this feeling from my mind but it wouldn’t leave collapsing with a final breath two young women with swaying dresses spoke on the merits of experiencing emptiness in their lives they told their stories of how with the help of god or family or friends or all of the above they personally overcame their disability of emptiness since then they traveled around the world speaking to others about the emptiness and how they also could overcome the emptiness in their lives they received a small honorarium for speaking and the majority of the costs were sponsored by a drug pharmaceutical company I remember standing in the crowd and hearing their words and thinking what bullshit these two women crossed my mind as I sat at my kitchen table eating toast and drinking coffee

20.11

Dead punk fucked propaganda belly specimen orgasm water orgasm stone invoking so many ghosts’ thighs unraveling postcards from Hell false perceptions authorized personal only sugared mules teased absentia another sick girl gentile vomit hole your finger eager skin evolution pulse the weasels offer me no hair these are the days my friend that Dr. Loophole invented the fuzzy newlyweds from Kansas City, they are sucking out the juice. Dr. Loophole is experimenting on the newlyweds, he first injects them with mescaline just to see how they react, and the newlyweds turn yellow and begin to glow in the dark. (See Magick Book 4 for more on Dr. Loophole) herman came home from the bar one day and found his concubines discussing something without him. They both had this demented look in their eyes It was a blood red look in their eyes. Herman had seen this look before in the war in world war one when he was a young man just barely out of high school His mother had wanted him to go to teacher’s college, but he had adventure in his heart and joined the army They fitted him with a uniform, a gas mask, and a rifle. His job was to kill as many Germans as he could. That was his primary task and his secondary task was to stay alive Once a lone German soldier broke through their ranks and landed in Herman’s foxhole This German soldier had this same look in his eye as the two girls when he thrust his bayonet into Herman’s chest. Herman woke up three days later in an army hospital The two girls lunged at Herman with knives in both hands. Herman quickly side stepped their attack and shot them both three times in the head

20.12

I can feel Jane pressing against my backbone her kiss trembles down one side of my mouth she can feel my pain as she bangs her body against me we are breathing in the fumes of our destruction of the world’s destruction I can see it all in ashes a smoldering heap of nothing be the best you can be if you are nothing then be nothing to the best of your abilities is there a truth that can come from this I think not truth does not exist maybe only in poetic circles as the inebriated think of utopia between bong hits for that is where perfection exists only in the mind the real world is harsh and ugly and the innocent die here daily without pity and without hope is this too harsh for you to handle I am sorry for you and I there is no hope in this world we are heading for great big crush a collapse of matter in upon itself returning to the big bang and jane’s big hearted ideas she is running through my fingers like the thoughts that wade in the puddles of mud Mr. Perry is building a fire he is stressing out over the absurdity of his existence he wants his freedom to be red white and blue if it is not the way he imagined then he doesn’t want to live anymore Mr. Perry has one big plan to follow he will be a martyr for the cause he will his part to create a new religion to make kinbote into a mighty god everyone will see that tim is glorious that everyone should love him as Mr. Perry does it does no good to wish you were dead it takes a spine it takes backbone to turn your dreams into reality he will destroy the chemist the evil one the bringer of destruction he will put away the destroyer of worlds another fading version of materialism Mr. Perry is laughing in the face of fear soon he will be gone like all the other who came before him another dust devil spinning in the wind he is grappling with the implications of his plans he knows that he is propelled by his actions that is footsteps are premeditated by fate he dreams his ending over and over again the causes may be different the result is always the same he is surrendering his personal joy for a greater cause a greater purpose this brings joy into his sad and sick existence

20.13

hugo is not trying to draw praise from the cyber punks he rejects all claims of truth possession those who have the truth are either ignorant or liars this is how hugo judges scary mary because scary mary belives that he has the truth and he beats everyone over the head with his supposed truth hugo considers scary mary to be a barbarian the world is not simply divided between life and death the controlling beliefs embodied in his ideas will only destroy scary mary and his followers their meme is one that will not last it will not stand the evolutionary test the fundamental flaw is that the meme will not be able to reproduce itself and thus will fall away as a non-survivable mutation they lay quiet in the middle of the road waiting for their death turning every word into poison all fools become obsolete in the path of time some belief systems do not adapt to change and do not survive they die out and scary mary’s beliefs will die out they eat the fruit of imperfection and their words are only noise living among the dirty thoughts hugo is revising history to leave out the war machine I don’t know if this is possible it seems like war is what we do we are not human unless we are killing each other hugo lives in a revisionist suburb feeding the children his rocky ideas about how war can be eliminated he is pushing against the smoke and mirrors I tell him that his scars will heal with wine and women but I am unsure if he truly believes me I tell him that bertha is always willing to engage a philosophical mind but he seems unwilling to accept her offer he has given up the world of mundane issues the mundane is what keeps me tethered to this world hugo is here and there he is everywhere he is bringing importance with him he is making the important things stick out pushing it in our faces and asking us when we are going to change all of our words could not hold your bothered concepts as we struggle within your soul fighting for a chance at love we count

20.14

I am placing you into different tumblers watching the numbers drop hugo wants to show his human side I am outlining his influences and gazing at his damning testimony the human race stands condemned as the pulleys move and the gears move turning the war machine breaking humanity he treats them as if they are pure and blameless when we have all participated in the illusion we are all players in the farcical play a broken down old computational war dog howling at the blood red moon he tells us that he is not here to make us happy he is here to make us feel and to make us think to make us learn for ourselves I did all I could to feed hugo to the machine to deny his influence I prefer to live in the ignorance of my beliefs to believe that love consumes us all as my life turns upon the wheel of fortune as hugo comes with a knife to put meat upon the table where were my voices to warn me of the harm of the danger

20.15

betty boop teaching me to dance when the world shudders there is nothing new it only hurts for a minute turn your head and watch what matters flicker across the tv screen have you been keeping score as the waitress brings you another stack of pancakes she has syrup between her legs sticky sweet tonight we will have trailer park slut she thinks its Halloween her body is bent over my bed she is praising the confines of leather constraints my whip rings like her princess phone I kick her little dog it is the president on the phone he wants to have sloppy seconds before he starts another war it is the reason why he was elected the big white ass of a fucking asshole the bitches are beautiful in the kill zone as Leo adjusts his sights he is zeroing in on his target he is not started by the moon I danced with betty boop in screaming wet sex all of her positions are bifurcated she sings like a cheese pizza when all I wanted was absinthe a sugar free dreamer that I fuck over and over again her thoughts prevail like acid the first ameba with a fetish for rubber posing for your camera hugo has a mind of his own in his cowboy boots climbing up the tower a prime number spurts out the end of his dick hugo scratches his balls and begins his secret life of watching this white fatty tissue his love for her vomit her jeans and leather jacket with her bullet proof belt as she reads her poetry he is watching her through a hole in the closet he first thought that the world consisted of words instead of objects as he peered through the hole in his closet he came to realize that the world consists of actions one human action upon self or others in between actions exists gaps in reality when nothing happens these gaps in time are like the massive blackness of outer space these gaps in action are when the world steps into the realm of nothingness life is broken up or interrupted by periods of nothingness

20.16

Leo who is violent when he is cleaning his gun and practicing his salute his walls are polished and tasteful for someone with a psychotic tendency to dig up the disco bones the breathe in and out and fall over dead leo gave us a busy story about how his actions were justified he claimed that he wasn’t hurting no body he claimed the harm was purely metaphorical there is a hole in Calcutta that would attest otherwise there is a picture of leo and a swami leo is holding a cigarette and there are beer bottle on the table scrawled on the back is the word trance there is a man with tattooed arms underfoot a nun is blowing her nose and leo is forgetting about jesus leo says that the being is mine he says that I am the key to his existence he is a manifestation of my dream state when the dream ends leo will end he claims that everything in this world is an emanation of my dream this dream seems to last forever I have tried to right leo’s wrongs but I haven’t enough time soon I will awake and leo will be gone and I will have to dream up a fresh new devil we have been sleepwalking all this time it was such a strange dream one with drugs and sex and bountiful amounts of boredom doing the same thing over and over again with waking and dreaming within the dream between the fingers of ghosts all the words jumble together they roam in and outside my mind I can’t explain what happened to the carpet I can explain my lack of connection to this world that I supposedly invented

20.17

new arrivals on my back divine madness that is what it is yes, most certainly it is the combination of the divine and a little hint of madness well, to be honest, it might be more than just a hint of madness probably, it would be more appropriate to say that it is a truckload of madness there things that I tell my cat that I will never tell anyone else my cat is the keeper of my secrets they all leave without saying goodbye to me I wonder what my cat thinks about that I remember when I made you cry we can no longer produce the limits of our being I can no longer produce you in the mirror This is an unstable interactive exchange These fingers are bleeding red You absorb the past into the present when you attempt to create legitimation You have walled up your kings and queens in a prison made of flesh and bone this is magic and love mixed together in a performance when I told her that I didn’t want to fuck her, she cried I saw the circle of fire around your heart your tears put the fire out the crisis of the rabbit nailed to the wall Is this art? they wore blue helmets and gasmasks they carried a club and a shield in each hand they were ready to answer all questions the tear gas was in the government box they were in big black letters I was imagining Rasputin’s dick in a glass jar I know that I have seen a picture of it somewhere in the past what an odd thing to display upon your shelf next to the aborted fetus and that statue of Idi Amin is so troubling

20.18

particles are escaping from our lives drop cover and roll she is only skin deep I know you have so many questions and there is not enough time nor the energy to answer them all some questions you will have to find the answers on your own it is like you are back in high school cheating on an exam I think we are going to need more tape in order to tie up all of the victims I threw the canister of gas down the steps and lit the match tonya wants me to make it last forever I rub my hand over her stomach and tell her nothing lasts forever baby not even elvis impersonators eventually they get too old to move their walkers fast enough to dodge the oncoming traffic I’m sitting here waiting for the sky to fall I know it will happen someday it was an erotic resolution that I was looking for I had read about it in the papers and thought I might produce one for myself I took out a pen and paper making a list of the items I would need Tonya is fanning off her pussy the engineers must of left some bright lights up in there I asked her if she would like me to go in there and turn off the lights my words were always rich with metaphors and language she said no thank you but she appreciated my making her hairs stand on end I told her that her words always felt like promises she gave me a kiss and told me I could traumatize her some other time she said that she would be a good little victim tomorrow if I didn’t mind I told her that it was no big deal that I could always masturbate to the ghost of betty boop

20.19

these animals are walking around the city speaking of skinning people they eat meat they eat you and I we began as a primate in San Francisco banging on the Tin man’s drums and selling sausage to the flower people selling out Berkley square and eating those red potatoes we got eyes for freedom and crossword puzzles Rubicon sponge and a daily buzz everybody is getting dicked around the last son of man is watching I love lucy and hitting a grand slam putting more latex on your head for the fisherman shocking the apricot with long metal prongs in a working class family death clown gas mask worshiping in the temple into the death camp feeding the cat sticking needles in unwanted places she wants her shoes back after the high tide I should be doing my impressions of a fondling madman I’ve dedicated my performance to you and your bucket of hubris standing in line for a piece of meat pie and being forced to surrender to the burning and the wasting disease I told all the animals about the sickness and the lack of grace we cut her into fine thin strips and served her with a horseradish mustard there was someone standing behind me writing down what I was not saying heavily medicated with love poetry and perpendicular hoodoo don’t crucify me for this eating black-eyed peas she said that she is ready for anything swimming in the shallow end of the pool the dead can’t answer your letters

20.20

I know you want my kiss I can see it in your green eyes begging me to put out your fire to end your longing for desire you put up with my bad poetry just because you love me drive that stake through my heart feed me my last supper I am guilty I admit it I can be so mean and hateful there is less than an hour for the doomsday clock I am so fucking blessed I’m gonna climb down out of my tree I’m gonna throw a rock and kill somebody I know you paid a deposit and you shined my hubcaps but god damn it I’ve got to be me I’ve got to be a salamander in a pond hiding under a green rock with green moss in another life in someone else’s dream I know what you want I saw the hunger in your eyes I’m hanging on I’m hanging on to the ledge no surprise not in this world you can’t promise me that it will be cold again ever again I know who you are I have seen you follow me for days you can take that red cross sticker off of your blouse cause you aint gonna save me I gave me heart to Jesus a long time ago and then I gave it to the preacher’s daughter and she stepped on it fuck it that’s life today I would say I don’t believe in love I have learned some hard lessons I have hardened my heart I don’t feel you any more I know that you are gone but not tonight you left your husband and met me in Tulsa you left the kids and the farm I wonder if they can forgive you I gave you a vision and a brown paper bag breathe in and breathe out