Monday, March 19, 2012

chapter ten - postmodernist apostate

harpo is not connected to the sun his id runs amok defiling the temple drink greedily little school girl to basement with a death stare and the laugh of a ghoul she would kiss them first then kill them one and all symbolically and in the flesh come bring this bowl of life put it up to the school girl’s lips she smiled and reached across the table for the razor blade she said that this life was not hers to give they all belonged to AC he was the one who determined who lived and who died it was the school girl’s responsibility only to obey she took a bite we all took a bite and the little devil jumped up on the table and did a dance wishing for the words to show that you placed a man as your god instead of the sun life comes from the sun we are children of the stars the light is the mediator we are coming out of the feet giving the kingdom to Saturn understanding the science the little sun betrayed by the little school girl hugo kills the lion and proposes a riddle giving you new underwear a feast at his wedding they were not four apostles it has got to be twelve the mind of the universe is twelve 30 slices of the pie 30 sheets putting forth the riddle Hugo didn’t know where to buy the sheets I normally go to Target to buy my sheets hugo grabs a club and knocks the heads off of 30 guys he gave them to his wedding guests going through the sign of leo he slays the lamb torches of their tails the little school girls always helps hugo do his killing creating the jesus story to enslave rome tell them a great big lie the dead don’t need no proof burning the fields 300 foxes hugo is forming history making things as he wants them to be and not as they exist he is creating a new world for his bride a world were a lie converts all inverting the light to bend to the truth rising through beauty and wisdom the dream is forgotten a long time refusing to listen tonya spoke of hugo every day she told everyone that he breathed fire and hanged tim’s chief servant up by his heels Mr. Perry is the hanged man cursed is Mr. Perry he can no longer kill the little children the man who wanted to destroy the world is dead accustomed to our own technology are we looking in the wrong place a different power system Wilcox climbs the pyramid and looks over the valley he remembers to words of the witchdoctor the evidence is in front of our eyes there are things that we don’t know the physics taught in school is not evident one hundred armed guards preventing us from learning the truth this is not the golden age feeding the egos of kings all workers are slaves we live from paycheck to paycheck looking to the future instructed not to point out the words that have been written

Wilcox is building a giant battery to create a big enough charge to send a message out into outer space generating orbs choking the air with balls of energy electrified air excited to the state of glowing run the people feed the people open-eyed with her mouth herding the crickets into the arena my most favorite artist I know so little about you the work is so hard for such little return yet we continue to pull the wings off of the flies involved with the darkest reds ever known to the world the little school girl had discovered the secret of foxgloves and she would not tell anyone not even Wilcox who could be so persuasive but it was already too late she had disappeared and gone to another place Wilcox only had some crude sketches that she left behind Tonya sent him some bread and a flask of wine in the hopes of cheering him up the secret of the foxgloves would not be discovered we have these things in Iowa the neighbor lady planted flowers while us boys were next door getting high her cries cannot drown out the mystery something is hovering over us wanting to destroy us Gie said we were impoverished at nighttime Zelda would undress Gie and Zelda don’t get along too well anymore Zelda has to have her cherished ideals and Gie was on the street buying up flesh he would send them to the butcher with a glazed look in their eyes the Turk would cut them up into little pieces and feed them to the neighborhood dogs on Sundays everyone would gather at the Turk’s house to practice our singing we were going to enter our group in a local competition the Turk had the most wonderful voice when he would sing the angels would cry we called ourselves the butcher’s singing club the bulk of our repertoire was war protest songs we did a hellashish rendition of all along the watchtower Zelda doesn’t want to know anymore she only wants to forget I have lost so many things I started to worry about what I said and how I was saying it I started to think about my audience and what it was that they wanted to hear from me and then I said fuck that I just need to write what comes out naturally I don’t need to force it or coax it or work it over hot coals I just need to let it flow if there is nothing to write then I need to just shut the fuck up I’m not here to win friends and influence people I’m breaking down the walls kicking them down fuck convention fuck the rules let hell break loose and run amok lets burn everything down lets smash everything in stop chasing after bullshit sell your soul and join a rock band get in your car and drive until it runs out of gas then get out and hitchhike go until you can’t go anymore each the end of the earth and turn around and do it all over again in the opposite direction find someone that needs a friend and spend a lifetime being their friend pull out what is inside you and give it away throw it all away dedicate your life to a foolish cause believe in a stupid idea create your own religion dress like a clown act like a fool challenge authority challenge those with no authority quit your job plant a garden learn to play a musical instrument become a monk run for political office give a dollar to a business man buy someone a cup of coffee give a knife to a criminal and buy a baby a gun make clothes out of weeds and burn up all of your rugs shave your head and wear cowboy boots talk loudly and sing and whistle to yourself all of the time give advice to people whether they ask for it or not tell people the opposite of what you think tell everyone that you love them adopt a dog from the humane society and name him god stop listening to fools who think they all got it figured out because they don’t none of knows what is going on it is all one big fucking joke that has been pulled on the whole human race there is no need to get all excited about politics because it doesn’t matter who gets elected nothing changes the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor

stop believing in the bullshit and learn to resist in small ways drag your feet slow things down take a longer lunch tell you children lies tell them god loves them tell them to believe in democracy tell them that god is on Americas side tell them to obey their masters tell them that drugs are bad tell them that you only tell them the truth tell them to die for their country tell them that they are better than everyone else tell them that they are the lucky ones tell them that only they are beautiful tell them that they can do no wrong tell them that success is the measure of a good life tell them that they were meant to live the good life tell them to stay in the cave tell them to not go outside tell them to hate their neighbor tell them to kill everyone who is not like them tell them that there is a heaven waiting for them tell them that black is white tell them that war is good tell them that death is only the beginning tell them that god died for their sins tell them that willie boy is coming and he is going to destroy the god damned war machine Gie climbs out of the window and onto the ledge he is singing a tune from the rolling stones time is on my side yes it is a crowd gathers below they wonder what this is all about Gie looks like a huge pigeon on the ledge he is shouting at the people below hey listen to me listen to me you stupid fuckers Gie is screaming at the top of his lungs but the crowd below can’t hear him because of the loud humming noise coming out of tonya’s pussy her pussy is a big machine and it is drowning out the shouts of Gie high up on the building’s ledge a van full of engineers pull up and get on their hands and knees and crawl into tonya’s pussy the crowd gets confused and doesn’t know what spectacle to watch some of the crowd watches Gie and some of the crowd watches tonya other shift their attention back and forth between the two still other get frustrated and leave the scene some psychologists from the university show up and they begin to interview the crowd collecting observational data and demographic data they wanted to discover the psychological correlates between those who watched Gie and those who watch tonya their research was published in the journal of experimental psychology when tonya woke up she coughed the engineers out and started coming at the crowd with a new York attitude she tore into the onlookers and cut them up like Swiss cheese when she got tired of the bloodshed she stopped into a bar and jumped up on stage with the band and played a few sets on bass guitar it was a cover band that played stuff from blondie, the pretenders, the clash, and a flock of seagulls

covert tactics it’s a very common way to eliminate someone she attached the metallic bombs to my magnetic sides and waited for the beckon call her sanctions and isolation will not ease the pressure the chances of becoming a whole person are negative once the bomb explodes the acceleration of time and space will be more than I can control the ghost of betty boop talks to me about the inevitable she says that it is inevitable the words trail on behind her like a phantasmal tail inevitable she says as if she trying to convince herself when did I start listening to ghosts how is this possible can I move on move forward to an existence without ghosts in my life I think the ghost of betty boop will be with me forever even in the next world our souls are connected in this evil that I have created maybe in the next world she returns the favor and I am the one haunting her we look for salvation in love our own personal jesus did I place betty boop on the cross did I hold her down and drive the nails into her hands and feet facial recognition software we need to know that this is truly the antichrist sex clubs for women life imitating art a full week of unadulterated fun the ring slipped off tonya’s finger and fell down the drain she was more than distraught she was Hellen Keller and Joan of Arc burning at the stake she is prejudicial of hugo and his aristocrats they parade around the room with their chests puffed out they were businessmen from Cape Girardeau they high on the confluence of the Ohio and the Mississippi still chasing the phantom of the opera forming relationships as quickly as possible thinking of them as a friend that you fucking hate dear sirs could you please fuck off and die they are pedophile father figures in prison heavy armed pedophiles attacking people in the war never speak again and oxygen thief we want our money back they the purple gorilla to give it back

very real and dangerous destroyed by the practice look at the statistics destroyed by the opening doorway a mere man without understanding Chomsky and banjos inventing coca cola his wee wee is fizzy there is trouble in immigration it is nice but not documentation learning to negatively affect the morality of the country it was a tender and professional cavity search attracting attention shooting yogi bear having many jesus auditions tonya is giving me a bath she fumbles with the soap hugo is outside smoking a cigar this is all good clean fun while tonya and I got comfortable hugo was discussing throwing me out of the union that want to kick me out of the religion also right out on the street on my ass with my broken mandolin I can’t keep my light under a bushel the pursuit of happiness saturated with consumerism I was a devoted drug addict committed to my addiction heart and soul floating about the place who are we to judge finding that life contains so little real substance wanting to feel a love for myself and everyone else looking for the value in life burning it down to the basic value it took time for the world to catch up deification not unusual a deep root among us omnipresent anything that sparkles a glint in the eye of the fair maiden wanted for terrible crimes we shared a saucy smile remember not to cross the line when they are pointing their guns at you I am getting my train ticket to go into the city she has wizard of oz socks I’m trying to flip her around dumping all her shit out of her backpack she looks real good in her video and I am packing her special thing I will show her my dorm room the place where my genius comes out one drop at a time I sense a tone of disappointment in your voice when you found out it was me I am your reality and not your fantasy someday I will leave you to your fantasies sitting in your modified chair she is talking about fixing the roof she showed me her cup holder that she traded some jewelry for she was trading with school teachers dealing out the trash speaking of the devil we were throwing away fifi’s box

there is this moment on the couch when tonya convinced me that she truly was a woman making me think about genitalia and the people who want to help me in a fight being a competitive liar she said her brother was caught in the fallopian tubes she is looking for her silent and infinite control imagining herself in a boat floating by someone else’s control a malevolent wind or some such force that she cannot identify she needs company and she is too afraid to say so beating her head against the wall there once was this woman who lived in Philadelphia I think she might have worked for the paper she would read my poetry and say that my words spoke straight to her heart she was looking to find something from my words I am not quite sure what strength maybe it could be courage I don’t know maybe hope I couldn’t find such things in my words but she did they spoke to her in a way that they didn’t speak to me isn’t that strange there are others who said that it seemed like I was writing about them and their lives but I wasn’t I was writing about something else or someone else I was a million miles away but they said it was like I could see into their hearts and their minds like I knew what they were thinking people are always seeking something some may have an idea what it is they are seeking an others don’t have a clue some want a burden to be lifted from their hearts their lives are a puzzle that refuses to be solved they want to make an exchange a barter with life and love Maria bends over and I slide the Thomas theorem inside her dying in the alley from an overdose of mother superior she is covered in the graves she has on Amish clothes and Redwing boots Maria is chewing on the devil’s claw and she beats the starving orphan with her little club Maria keeps telling herself that this is not a movie that her teeth have been whittled into little skulls she was going to run over the mailman with her Toyota station wagon she doesn’t know how to say hello I’m pouring the bottle of mad dog down her throat helping her to see visions and stepping in the footsteps of her ancestors

when they first got off the boat in Boston someone dropped the money into the ocean and they had to hustle for some food and a place to stay this is Maria’s inheritance as she hustles for a dollar so she can go buy herself some plastic beads from the dollar store she bites down on the beads to see if they are real once she has finished the bottle she slips back into her fog she has the soul of a boy buried deep in her black heart Maria takes a shit in the middle of the street and shapes it into a sculpture of god she is born under the sign of hypocrites and she worships the appearance of evil she pulls from the bong like bob marley she is pro at injecting the vein I watch her in her cage as she dances for the little boys they throw coins at her as she dances she has pledged her allegiance to the catholic church and she knows how to swallow jesus Maria is a filthy whore she gave up her vows for a stiff cock I thought I could leave her alone but I couldn’t I had to sit on her lap and let her whore moans out she would lean over and let it dribble out of her mouth she will never get to disappear she lives under our beds and in our closets I undress for you as you play with my darkness you swallow up everything both evil and good she touches me until I explode she moves herself all over me putting my fingers into her ugly places naming all of our kills my dick is hard and throbbing she treats it like a holy relic like it is the cock of god she worships me with her vagina her cunt is a church where she worships god I am the host I am the body of Christ she is pulling one of my ribs out through my chest she is going to make another woman shit shits out words all night as the moonlight exposes her saggy breasts these same breasts that god once sucked she now offers to every tom dick and harry who will buy her a bottle so she can forget the lies she once believed in

Maria is wearing her clever hat as she reads the tropic of cancer to the children she diddled them between her teeth and the night trying to get out but they would keep chasing you they chased you into oblivion banished from the real world the fabricated theater of reality sloshed on the amplified and the trivial Maria once seemed so relevant now not so much it is funny how time puts people in their proper place even if they go there kicking and screaming cursing a god she damn well knows doesn’t exist I have met a lot of religious people and most of them will admit to you that they do not believe in god they continue their charade because it is the only game in town and it pays well and the carnival rolls on every now and then they have to sacrifice a believer to the cause and then everything continues on as if nothing happened people turn their backs and pretend that they didn’t see the dirty tricks performed behind the screen there is void inside of me I asked Maria to fill it but she couldn’t she didn’t know how she said she couldn’t fill the hole that was inside of her I have been told that you are what you eat and what you wear and it is important to be seen with the people and to say the right things fuck all that is there nothing but bullshit in this life the ghost of betty boop doesn’t care about those who vote she is only interested in supporting the military industrial complex her hands are still sticky from handling the blood money a lifestyle that increases alienation don’t jump out of the window set the building on fire create a change in your world stop seeing things with limited eyes take the blinders off that your culture has placed over your head you don’t need a new car you don’t need a bigger house you don’t need new clothes learn to live with less learn to live your own life and not be blindly led by your nose trafficking in impotent charisma that is what betty boop had she had charisma and she tried it for the almighty dollar she became the latest commodity to be sold on the market the shame and fear in the eyes of the defeated she was forced to dance in front of the tourists she danced for food and money exposing her nakedness for the snapping photos of polo shirted buffoons they wanted something to put in the memory books something of a life that they could not fully know

this is hard place that we live in there is no sense-making machine in this nonsensical world it is all a matter of temperament who has this monopoly on pain nothing can be done finding the easy out all I do is complain I thought I was helping you find your way but now I’m more and more convinced I was only kidding myself and you I tried to be respectful of your interests your needs that doesn’t mean that I can meet them you have to find the answer within yourself I can show you the door but you have to walk through it I can only show you the example a pattern a model for your life everything we do is spiritual because everything that we do is guided by our values what we do is influenced by what we think is right and wrong this is the foundation of living a spiritual life everything we do is spiritual this has nothing to do with churches and gods it has to do with your actions it is helpful to be aware of this in everything we do Frankie is a punk he sold his mother into prostitution she working the streets to support her little boy’s habit Frankie is connect to the stars through the dynamic workings of fate and temptation everything is moving spinning around in frankie’s head hallucinating the Nietzschean tragedy speculating on the morality of frankie’s mother he listens through the walls transcribing the Tibetan mysteries hugo is speaking in tongues to tonya and tonya is burning all my postcards from summer camp the ones where I told her that I loved her I was just a boy then and didn’t know how to drink my turpentine I am sending tonya pictures of my cock and balls on my new phone I texted her all the facts that I could remember when did this become about me and not Frankie it is he who is the punk and not I of course it is probably I who is the punk in the eyes of hugo and Tonya and possibly nanuk of the north but he thinks everyone is a punk except for the son of Mr. Green Genes that is the only person nanuk of the north respects

tonya fucked me two ways because she believed in being thorough hugo sat in the corner and watched me fuck his wife he even helped me tie her to the bed with some of his silk ties hugo is an investment banker and it is important that he is dressed to kill at all times tonya is a school teacher who teaches first grade I have known hugo for many years we used to be cub scouts together and we both played drums in the elementary school band hugo’s dad was an avid hunter who would take trips to Montana to kill elk and deer it seemed that the universe vibrated at hugo’s feet harpo used to accompany hugo and myself into the woods and we would smoke cigarettes that hugo stole from his mother I was with hugo and harpo when I first got high hugo had bought some weed from herman a kid who lived over a couple of blocks from hugo herman was different from the rest of us he didn’t have a father at least not one that lived with him and his mother hugo and I met herman’s father many years later when we were in high school we helped herman’s father move some furniture into his new house I could tell that herman and his father didn’t really know each other or knew how to talk to each other his father seemed more like a distant uncle than father hugo harpo and I all had fathers and herman didn’t this made him seem different to us almost tougher because he had to be the man of the house all by himself we were just dumb kids seeking visions and having wet dreams of fallen angels we imagined ourselves the fathers of a whole race of nephilim we dreamed the incomprehensible it was herman who first introduced me to AC he brought me over to AC’s house and I bought some marijuana from AC I remember that AC had these two big Dobermans that hid under a bed and growled at me the whole time I was there I heard later from hugo that AC beat the shit out of herman then next time he came over because he brought me over to AC’s to but some weed this never stopped me from going over to AC’s and buying weed from him all the time of course I never brought anyone new with me over to AC’s

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