twelve

Twelve

12.1

velocity and vividness replaces deployment people flicker in and out unifying vignettes irreverent brashness detestation and elimination the tired ritual of mock-worship my own lack of vision this weird delusion that everything around me exists specifically for me I am keeping the world turning it is not a lack of motivation it is lacking the proper tool there are so many things that my blindness has erased I want to be devastated I am losing the ability to believe in politics losing my ability to believe in religion I doubt that I even believe in you you are an disembodied voice at the end of a phone line a two dimensional image on a website give me a second glance a third and a fourth as your mother pushes me out the door pushing me into the dendrites they entangle me with their metallic mysteries there are too many lies swirling around my head I don't believe anyone any more everyone has a game they are all trying to sell me something about the hopeless enmeshment of the logos we are trapped in our make-believe worlds no has a map to lead us out this world we have created has become our master we are enslaved by our own creations I am a creator I created you and we have both forgotten this now I am ruled by you my creation the shadows on the wall now call the shoots they create the rules new rules that we live by new rules that we die by the semen glows and the music is playing on in the background at low volume radioactive zelda is thinking about the color of mozzarella and she asks the waitress if she has any pick spaghetti tumultuous pubic hair and bobbing flaccid penises do you have all your paperwork in order

12.2

the waitress rolled up the morning paper and hit zelda up side of her head when zelda asked wtf the waitress asked if there were any republicans in here I said I'm fine how are you after another smack zelda's mask was knocked loose and fell on the floor I don't care anymore about the androids they were dancing naked and listening to iron maiden harpo said no fucktards swimming naked in the pool this is not a simulation of reality this is life with all of the explosions it isn't the first time so excited harpo is checking tonya out drowning in cruddy images there is a restriction on the human experience it is just a fantasy plain and simple I must pretend that I am not dependent ignore the addiction feign immortality while being an ignorant bastard like all the rest we are only pretending and we should honest with others about our deceptions a hophead on a turkish florist the better the tech the harder I am hooked plug me tonya and make it seem so fucking real can ya baby can ya I recognize the paradox in the rosy forecast is it a paradox really I am watching your moving pictures forgetting the truth behind the image losing the context for the meaning thus the meaning becomes slippery meaning is a slippery nipple the real fantasy and the real dependence there is no independence from this we are all hooked even those who pretend that they are not the chemicals in your food the poison in your air the dirt you walking on is killing you the earth is dead this a child with a remote surfing a million channels don't expect a plot or anything you can sink your teeth into I'm not here to provide you with an entertaining narrative I expect by now that most people have given up thrown in their cards

12.3

in the next room a little girl shouts OMG she didn't do anything the girls are watching a movie and they are lost in the storyline speak into the microphone senator have you ever done three minutes or more on the speed bag your response is important for national security install your new cpu here you just pull back the skin from the skull like this it is all very routine the replacement of the human parts with machine parts we live in a disposable world recycling is a thing of the past now everything is thrown away that way the poor have an occupation sorting through the trash it gives them purpose a meaningful life not everyone can lead the life of a weasel like you hugo god knows that I have tried but alas to no avail adding another layer of disorientation a construct of weirdness the bizarre and the obsolete all tossed together in a salad transcending the limitations of individual human experience this fantasy of escape there is a bather on the beath and she is trying to escape reality back and forth between the game and this there are dictionary pages it has been a long time the woman is on the beach and there is a guy with a flag he is waving his flag in the air the bells are calling Tim is standing on the father son and the holy ghost ring my bell coming to you at five in the morning all those good things like a hangover she is putting tassels on her bomb it's not the poetic bomb I'm pulling off the arms of the barbie dolls like a howling wolf we are worried about superman because we found his costume hanging on the coat rack he is missing like the walrus he had so much purity an evil fuck artist with echo and time delay zelda was the winner she sold the most pussy they were lined up around the block with their cocks in their hands I was going up and down the line selling them steroids and viagra hugo was the first in line he was beaming like a tin solder he wanted to get a whack at zelda

12.4

underground tunnel systems he thought they were cute his balls tied up in a bow they go from the capital building down to the temple the temple of the blue dog radioactive fallout shelters he is not a man of very few words zelda said the she could shut him up you lose all night long this could be some kind of hidden agenda more propaganda thrown at us in big slop buckets it is possibility versus probability you went down to the corner drugstore and bought a whole months supply of likelihood of something happening exploiting the gaps between what is said and what is meant you have been told over and over again that things are not as they appear that there is no social order that hypocrisy reigns that consumerism is not magical we are only becoming better tyrants keeping the resistance under control don't believe me I am only lying to you go back to sleep this was only a dream a silly dream nothing to be worried about breaking the rules doesn't mean following the leader following the dollar sign buying a car is not rebellion learn to rebel against the rebellion this revolution is plastic and only one-sided there is no substance behind the facade the rulers of this world only rule the emptiness and they just make you think that the emptiness is wonderful that you can't live without the emptiness that the emptiness is worldwide that it is spreading you can find it in your supermarket you can find it on television you can find it in the backseat of your car this emptiness follows you everywhere engineering your emptiness we can make it anyway you want you just place your order and give us your credit card number

12.5

using self-reference to seem too hip to hate associating with fearlessness and irreverence the capacity to see through the deception a spokesman for hollow authority communicating the irony of self a world we now view as constructed the irony of the hipster too cool for school for the public mass too cool for the herd yet the herd is playing the same game deception and the mockery of isolation a blank indifference you obey the command to strike a pose and become just one in a million posers the numb blank bored demeanor can you make it bleed without that gleam in your eye the gleam gives you away it betrays your indifference zelda is dancing with you but she obviously would rather be dancing with someone else glitter sharks and wax crackers all my goodness she is not wearing makeup she doesn't know if she should she says that makeup is a burden on her soul her mother would lock her up in the bathroom and wouldn't let her out unless she had makeup on she doesn't pluck her eyebrows setting up social networking it is a blow job a gallery like a shooting gallery zelda is teaching how to give a blow job she wants to be an american she wants to get off on the red white and blue she is going to do it to make everyone happy throwing a beer in my face jumped the fence taking a swing impersonating a law enforcement officer shut your mouth off she runs and the posse takes off chasing her through the canyon sticking peppers up her ass she is a bad sunburn all over her she is on a hot streak her legs are on fire looking for the bars she has hidden the key I told her that I wasn't feeling it she is about ready to open in twenty minutes she had the water running going for her shower a steam pot she is battering back the pain shooting up her tolerance levels it grips and burn a big fucking muscle she moving in constant consulting the witchdoctor there is no good explanation zelda is waiting for love to come through the door she is waiting for it to work out in the end we all need to have a plan she just needs it more I think she needs the rain we are driving to texas to help bury Mr. Perry his body is waterproof and he has this weird glow I have worked out all of the karmic distortions one handful of brown rice I am falling backwards through time we have started on this strange journey with a dead man in the back seat of the car zelda keeps talking to Mr. Perry like he is still among us I think she might be afraid that he might turn into a zombie or something if she thinks for a moment that he is actually dead zelda is singing me a lullaby she is looking really nice the compass nothing is worth the time star guides a new star channel it is all economical the right shade of pale there as always been a sort of hope zelda is hopeful by nature she is working on her spiritual awakening

12.6

every time she turns around it is a new fucking tragedy very fragile pieces of shit floating down the river two inches from landing on a hot poker she tries to be optimistic outer space on her razor that is optimistic it is almost like magic when she smiles a magic experience identifying with the lie the feeling that I get why do we relate because it speaks to them somehow some way a resemblance a silly little life with a piece of wood it’s just beautiful because I know the person who is doing it after awhile I stop seeing it an optimistic kind of thing I like it very simple a piece of the puzzle zelda is singing really bad it is grating on my nerves she is walking in the rain she is getting wet walking to a grocery store to buy some whiskey and cigarettes zelda is not waterproof she is commenting on the obvious she is not aware of the time psychosocial the cracks in the sidewalk reach up and grab her this is a total mess the rain is acid and it is burning her skin the rain is killing us all another day in the jungle of her mixed up mind god bless the crazies let them sleep safe tonight this is a street king contest the winner takes all takes them to hell with the demons and the battle call she is the happiest girl in the world zelda said it was a very successful night  she made $420 it was not like a friday two streets coming at an angle it was great to see her again another saturday night I'm driving around the town looking for a score a transfer of ownership there is a pinhole in the heater core one without sliding doors I drove to the end of the block and turned around and went back I'm good to go the dash lights begin to flicker it is out a total fucking shitbox an accident up the highway the meter went spastic hooped and fried it just needed an inspection why should he not have a ride everything was different going into gear with the wipers everything is backwards I don't like the back doors until 4:00 in the morning to the rest of my shift going to fuel up working until 7:00 my entire profit no better and I didn't have any assholes

12.7

zelda is here and she is showing us her naked body check her out it is a wonderful body she is really sweet three fairytale classics she just loves the shit her all time favorite popular in Finland she is telling me good morning she says that it is a two hand job thank you for everything it is an honor to be with you all you had to do was announce your distress a victim of fear because you lack belief the courage to accept the bullshit you have distilled all the world’s evil into this small bottle of brownish liquid let me drink of this evil let me get drunk with it I will drink It all down I will give it the full measure of myself anything less would be a crime tonya knows that I am a criminal I have confessed to her all my sins and she has forgiven me now I am free and clear ready to start all over again to add more strikes against my ledger to pile up the atrocities to make them legends I want to be like Tristan and the bear to travel across the heavens battling against the forces of the universe to build new worlds new creations to be ever ready to strike the first blow to attack for freedom and liberty and the way of the lost I am not looking for approval or derision I am doing this for myself this is a selfish action I am working a radical transformation changing iron into gold the alchemy of the soul burning you into a precious metal showing you how to release your inner demons no beliefs no worship no demands upon your life no rituals no churches no offering plates no words from a holy book no bending no bowing no words whispered in false reverence forget all your religious teachers forget your political leaders forget your name forget your place forget the rules to society throw away your business suit learn to be naked in body heart and mind remove the secrets from your life be free from your insignificants wants and desires it all means nothing solve all your problems over night I return to my studio at midnight I look at the tools hanging from the walls I examine the bottles of pain jumbled about the workbench there are pieces of canvas and strips of cloth metal wire washers empty beer bottle I light my candles and say a pray to the gods of creation and the gods of art I think about Captain Marc’s vortex I imagine it is swirling above his head ready to take him to another world taking him to see the air-conditioned crocodiles they have little hats and silk ties they say they are from the planet tralfamadore waking from a continual dream the air-conditioned crocodiles gave advice about our trip to Alaska in our pajamas and messy hair asking about the name of the website

12.8

worked up and blabbering the perfect descriptive terms one hundred black santas they are not afraid of exposing their vulnerabilities not afraid to fall dead drunk across the table a cluster of whores who congregated next to the entrance of the bar they handing the customers hymnals as they entered I guess they were planning some sort of church service Captian Marc and I finished our drinks and left out the back door we had better cats to skin bertha never wasted time playing cards that was all Captain Marc and I would do was play cards we would sit at a table and start playing cards and dink several bottles of wine a bottle of white for me and a bottle of red for Captain Marc bertha would sit at another table and watch us I noticed that she was standing in the gutter her rosy face rumpled in a rain coat she was scanning the horizon for the new born king she looked like she was running away from Siberia the saturated with material the stars the planets and their individual rotations the beating of her heart under her sweater I wanted to rant and to rave to scream and holler pulling my hair out perhaps more complicated and orchestrated I saw her reading the menu her best side was facing me she had on big leather boots and a driver’s cap I was instantly in love I gave her the jist of my premonitions how our arms would soon be entwined that she would be kissing me with a passion she previously had never known from her back pocket she produced a long list it contained the names of poets current and past she started to look for my name and she said she couldn’t find me on her list therefore she was not interested I told her that I was neither naughty nor nice and that I would never approve of my name being  on such a list I told her that she could fight fate all she wanted but someday she would have to give in to the forces of love I knew right then that I would have to beat it out of her she was a heartbreaker who was used to getting things her way she left her daddy a long time ago for the three ringed circus and she had no intentions of ever going home I told her it was ok to breathe it was ok to live it was ok to be happy that the past couldn’t hurt her anymore what she need to be afraid of was the present I showed her the numbers that were tattooed on my soul and shared with her how I hide them from the bone crushers

12.9

I have been here before many lifetimes before and a love is always a love each time you would fight me and say that you belonged to another man but each time you gave in to me and the souls of burden and uncomfortable laughter eventually you would melt in my arms and I would suffocate you with my kisses these dead will always request their due and you and I will rob them of their inheritance together we rode the wildness of the world and we drank of the spring of nirvana it was your honesty that I always loved about you a brutal honesty that could cut straight to the bone a healing light from the darkness pulsating muscle these words express the truth of the heart an image of the tantamount and understanding that the plastic is only the plastic congealed blood and the prayers of unholy saints their fingers are stained with your blood and the hopelessness of your desires I left her for someone who did not have a list but I still have some of her demons I told her that the photo of her with a gun was so William Burroughs of her when I opened her up I found bells inside of her head just like rene Magritte the sack cloths over our heads her skin knows how to obey my commands I have learned how to project my voice along with my prejudice sleep is so hard to find when we are traveling on the road I’m traveling to Des moines with harpo my drums are in the back of his old beat up pickup we are going to set them up at his sisters house and jam he has a singer and a bass player he wants me to meet the singer is excited about Metallica he is jumping up and down on the couch and the chairs he drives us across town to some party at a girl’s house we bought a case of Dubuque star beer on his way there he cuts through parks and people’s yards in one yard he runs over a little tree in the some people’s yard an old man comes out screaming and shouting at us he throws a beer can at the car Tommy was shooting heroin in his toe in the backseat of the car

12.10

an onslaught with the buffalo first birthday presents and then Christmas presents we could have left Tommy to respond in his own way he says that he is a weak and wavering person he looks me straight into my eyes and says I’ve got to be stronger he is talking about his desire to stop manipulating every person and situation he is involved in all the loud noises that a junkie could ask for he invited us over for a big sleep over he introduced us to all of his sisters there was twelve of them there was a sister naked in every room of the house his sisters had spent all day cleaning the house making it special for us one bedroom upstairs was decorated in streamers and had a cake and ice cream his sisters all gathered around the cake and sang happy birthday to Tommy after that he blew out the candles and we smeared ice cream all over his sisters bodies it was a very elaborate and detailed social ritual I felt obligated to dive right in and be a full participant I mean fuck family traditions are special I wish I had a few of my own I believe it has something to do with action oriented gifts that doing something is more precious than material possessions bertha tells us what she wants and it is important that we listen to her I need to her voice over all the other voices in my head bertha was waiting for us when we got back from Tommy’s house I want to give bertha the best gift I can give her Tommy is telling her about his birthday party bertha looks at Tommy confused and says that it’s not his birthday Tommy says I know and they weren’t my sisters