Monday, November 28, 2011

page 15

track them Gie was arrested for shooting his assault rifle at the white house by the time you get to this people will have already forgotten there will be some new tragedy to take hold of the headlines some new celebrity mishap a football coach molesting children or a mother who killed her child and then lies on camera that someone crawled in through the bathroom window she knows the whole god damned movie by heart making the interest stronger she would wear white gloves and walk right between us she would send a shiver down my spine when she would do this I put on my shirt and went down to the lobby to see what was going on giving three witches the eye the blonde one was quite a dancer she never asked why I was leaving I grabbed my hat and coat and went outside into the night cold I was working in some insurance office back then selling life insurance to newlyweds I would look through the paper to find wedding announcements and then find their address I would call them up and tell them I had important information that all newly married people should consider if they truly loved each other when I got to their home I really laid the shit on heavy I told the husband that as a guy he had the duty to provide for the little lady if god forbide he should die I would tie up loyalty duty honor and love into a little sales package most of the suckers fell for it I tried to get them to give me a cash advance or write the check in my name most of the time I pocketed the money and did file the paper work they all got up and left for some show at the strand a vaudeville act with dancing monkeys and dogs riding bicycles the last act was bertha the stripper who would come out on stage and swivel her hips singing meet you around the corner in a half an hour it was all very entertaining but I had seen the show two million times it seems like everyone just off the bus wants to see a show like that it must be on some list of the top ten things do my fortress the place of frozen instincts the power to conceal my madness I am afraid that I will jump up on the stage and dance the hoochie coochie with bertha while singing the star spangled banner bertha has a strange look in her eye she wants to run away with me to Siberia she is packing all her masks in her bags African masks to show the children she doesn’t mind when I criticize her diving the preciousness of the albertine how many more enigmas are there for me to solve that is why I write with such vehemence such distortion such despair there is so much to say between us that cannot fit in books we must get these words out it is an obsession or a possession which I am not sure a power through sheer feeling that captivates I am your captive in chains I am held prisoner by your words the tragic desire for understanding in the midst of tragedy is this what it means to be human to long for that which we cannot have to see the dream crushed into dust to fall victim to the fabrications of the wicked flat lifeless vulgarity the torrential style of these large thoughts seeking a common denominator I did not love bertha enough I only dominated her with guilt and dinner reservations she preferred to drink wine and eat chocolates we would sit by the table next to the window and watch the people walk by we would guess as to what they did for work if they were married or lived alone if they read Dostoevsky or listened to Sergeant Pepper’s I am a force and I am filled with my own justifications it is an impersonal force an animal force it outside of

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