Wednesday, January 25, 2012

page 103

swallowed I began to feel that I belonged to everyone else the search leads to the undoing this I have accepted the journey leads to death if I didn’t look would death still come I have put on the boots of my ancestors not blood relatives by spiritual ancestors the writers that came before me who looked into the gaping hole of the abyss and laughed as I do now I can only laugh because I realize that it is all a big fucking joke a cosmic joke played on humanity by the universe I watched you I followed you everywhere you went you could not see me because I was in my spirit body remember you felt someone or something touch you in the middle the self remains the ultimate mystery we must learn about ourselves before we can learn about others the room inside you mind is a locked room your true self is somewhere beyond yourself outside of your locked room I am kicking down the door removing the space between us the place where freedom and terror collapse an implosion we become concentrated we become dense collapsing in on ourselves closing in becoming ever smaller a rupture of our understanding what we thought we knew no longer exists everything has been changed people have changed places I have become hugo and hugo has become me we have traded places I have become tonyas husband and hugo is the jealous lover I wonder if tonya can tell the difference between us I wonder if she knows that we have traded places she calls me hugo and she calls hugo martin but I’m not sure if she is just playing a game our positions in this world are tenuous nothing has been chained down to the rocks a different understanding of power the power of your words to destroy or create my words turned me into hugo I am now speaking hugo’s words and hugo is speaking for me this paradox has become inescapable is it my saying that makes it so what if I said we could return to our original selves what would happen then how would the world be different we have moved away from the centering of self as we move into the realm of ambiguity there is so much that is unknown where do I end and hugo begins are the two of us one are we the same person did I create hugo in my mind or did hugo create me are we both the figment of some demon’s imagination a regime of truth patriarchy masculinity religion pornography beauty and myth operating the gaze of power I see you played out in everyday encounters a productive process creating human subjects and their capacity to act it is your words which create power  the access to a deeper knowledge that is not knowledge but a way of speaking that defines your reality a productive will to power this is not embodied in an individual but in a collective a spiritual survival of the Jungian collective the primal animal from which we all have crawled out of the ooze to devour our neighbor in order to feed our young the sacrifice was not pretty but it was necessary the child of a deeper power the will to power has a life of its own independent of human agency a surface understanding of something that we cannot know does this sound like bullshit to you I am divorced from reality I cannot feel you anymore this power works through others to achieve its aims I was a victim of this power it worked through me using me to get what it wanted I was a pawn it didn’t matter what my will was I was powerless the power flowed through me changing me for better or worse I don’t know I will never know the basis for such

No comments:

Post a Comment