Wednesday, January 18, 2012

page 71

of Capricorn and nexus sexus plexus and these works had a profound impact on me I decided to try and write like henry miller and the writing seemed to flow and be comfortable to me I struggled with trying to find my voice to find my style but it seemed like this was the work I was meant to write that it was already written for me I only had to remember it to bring it back to life watching Godzilla destroying Tokyo people only want to buy shiny things my insecurity is not shiny sending me to the deserted island the aboriginals taught me how to hunt I got a slim chance for survival my walls bleed yellow looking up and down spitting out words trying to say that I am sorry tonya turns on the camera and tries to speak the truth about her life and loves and obsessions we are addicted to her we have to watch as she shares her life with us she loves her viewers and her viewers love her I’m living near sears roebuck right around the corner from the all night taco stand I’m not in your army I’m here studying the natives learning about how they get their drugs I was just bored so I went down to the taco stand I was interested in becoming a successful brain surgeon not interested in living the life that they designed me for the addiction just made things happen it was like the ghosts would come through the open doors chemically altering my metabolism I threw myself out of your windows not interested in staring at my toes a hallucinated viewpoint not realizing that I was dying that we all were dying we start out dying just a little and we discover that we like it so we keep it up and start dying more and more each and every day soon you lose track of the fact that you are dying you just enjoy it too much death is so easy to obtain it is around every street corner everyone is selling death once we get a taste of death then we want to be connoisseurs of death we want to try all kinds of death spiritual death natural death accidental death homicidal death suicidal death undetermined death unclassified death disco death physical death eternal death so many deaths to be experienced hugo was interested in the direction of the words where the words would take him he was also interested in the relationship between words and the image he would search to find a picture or an image that corresponded with some words that he had written he is interested in projecting himself backward in time back to a previous experience first he was in the bottle and now he is in the mud the image helps him travel backwards in time to the origin of his words he considers words to be awkward instruments imperfect vessels that carry our meanings when I say goodbye to you tonya I am saying goodbye to me I have counted the hours and the days we have spent together god knows hugo has it all documented on video I think he was an anthropologist in a previous life we have danced and kissed so many times before this time we went to the holiday inn and drank seagrams and ate fired clams harpo was there with his overalls on backwards I took you to the strip club and you got up on stage with jane and danced I was left holding your purse and my cock in my hand you and hugo were fighting then when I picked you up at his apartment later that night you had a black eye I asked you about it and you said it was the cost of loving a fool I wasn’t sure if you meant hugo or me I have been making a list of all of our tomorrows and I plan to send them to you some day destiny can wait with this

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