Friday, January 20, 2012

page 82

a beer can at the car Tommy was shooting heroin in his toe in the backseat of the car an onslaught with the buffalo first birthday presents and then Christmas presents we could have left Tommy to respond in his own way he says that he is a weak and wavering person he looks me straight into my eyes and says I’ve got to be stronger he is talking about his desire to stop manipulating every person and situation he is involved in all the loud noises that a junkie could ask for he invited us over for a big sleep over he introduced us to all of his sisters there was twelve of them there was a sister naked in every room of the house his sisters had spent all day cleaning the house making it special for us one bedroom upstairs was decorated in streamers and had a cake and ice cream his sisters all gathered around the cake and sang happy birthday to Tommy after that he blew out the candles and we smeared ice cream all over his sisters bodies it was a very elaborate and detailed social ritual I felt obligated to dive right in and be a full participant I mean fuck family traditions are special I wish I had a few of my own I believe it has something to do with action oriented gifts that doing something is more precious than material possessions bertha tells us what she wants and it is important that we listen to her I need to her voice over all the other voices in my head bertha was waiting for us when we got back from Tommy’s house I want to give bertha the best gift I can give her Tommy is telling her about his birthday party bertha looks at Tommy confused and says that it’s not his birthday Tommy says I know and they weren’t my sisters I want bertha to tell us who she is I want to hear it from her own voice I tell bertha about my father that he has been gone for almost half of my life now I tell bertha that we should live for today and not worry about the future Tommy smiles and says that the future can’t touch us it’s not necessary but it feels good bertha is wearing her movie star eyes her bettie davis eyes I have modified all of the board games so that bertha can play along I was trying to appeal to her trying to convince her that Tuesday was really Monday but she wasn’t buying it even though I gave it a good sell she is still erecting trivial boundaries between us bertha is pliable and bendable eight months after she flowers she expels her seeds in an explosion she was born and raised in Mystic Connecticut before she moved out west to find her fame in fortune in the entertainment business the hurt in her heart gives her a reason to live a reason to bitch about the cruel heartless world Tommy follows bertha to the theater like a little puppy he goes with her to flirt with all of the girls the witches are in the backroom scheming to defraud the government it is another scratch my back and I’ll scratch your back scenario a cold bottle of chardonnay sits on the table the ash of her cigarette is about to fall I watch with anticipation Tommy has taken a hit of acid he is calm right now we will see later the light is so bright there are old people on the ceiling tiles the camera is covered in jissom the little school girl is dancing and lifting up her dress it is an interpretive dance it has all to do with color it has to do with orange she says that she can’t use color the little school girl is swimming on dry land she thinks she killed someone I am telling her to be stable I was praying hard and it was coming to me depicting the inner world of the psyche I am manifesting my mind this is the bottom or maybe this is

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